Recently (4 days back to be precise), I went to see someone and the whole thing was sham. Really a waste of my time. It wasn’t a date per se but it made me think of all the dates I’ve been in and I ended up compiling this list, so yes, everything in it is first hand experience, some done by me and the others committed by the guys I went out with.

1. Don’t get so drunk you throw up all over the place including their car seat and the night ends with them taking you to their house because they don’t even know where you live. Seriously, don’t.
2. Don’t show up dressed like you are just getting out of bed. I know it’s not Christmas but please, try your best to look nice and presentable.
3. Don’t go introducing them as your girlfriend/boyfriend. It’s annoying. I barely know who you are, it’s just a date, it’s not flattering when you call me your girlfriend.
4. Don’t get all hands on. And by hands on, I mean, don’t try to touch my legs under the table or brush your shoulders against my b***s. I’ll land it dirty on your face or straight out bite you.
5. Being rude to the waiter/waitress ain’t cool. Nothing says problem than someone with rude manners.
6. Don’t diss their outfit. Someone did this to me – kept repeating over and over again that I was putting on a choir uniform. It was just not funny then even though I’d laugh about it now.
7. Or their profession- so what if they are a low earning sales person, what’s so funny about that?
8. Don’t tell them your serious issues. It’s just a first date, I’m more interested in knowing your favorite color and food. Not how you’ve been struggling with depression or financial problems.
9. Don’t go through their phone and sneakingly read their texts. Why do people even do this?
10. Don’t go through their phone and see a photo of their hot friend and then unashamedly go ahead and ask for that friend’s number. This has happened to me twice so I’m a living proof that it’s a real thing.
11. Don’t offer them a photo album filled with photos of your numerous exes.
12. Don’t blurt out “I like to ***”!
13. Don’t ask” do you like to ***”?
14. Don’t talk so much about your bestie (that is a member of the opposite s*x)
15. Don’t start comparing them to anyone (especially that your bestie) or worse still, an ex
16. Don’t fake an accent. Don’t try to be yoruba when you ain’t. If na pidgin you sabi speak, stick to pidgin.
17. Don’t stuff yourself with overfeeding that you end up spending majority of the time in the toilet, then you come out and start complaining about pepper in your yansh.
18. Don’t stare open mouthed at the good looking/hot dude/girl at the nearby table and comment about their nice physique or s**y a*s.
19. Don’t say anything like “I hate Igbo guys” or “you are an Ijaw girl? I heard Ijaw girls are good in bed”
20. Please smile. You were not tied like a goat and dragged to the date at gun point.
21. It’s okay to state what you want. Just be mature about it. Are you looking for something long term or just a short term non committed fling or whatever it is?
22. So be yourself and be honest. If you don’t like cooking, don’t claim cooking is your favorite hobby. If you hardly care about going to church, don’t claim you are a dedicated member and even in the choir. If you can’t step out of your house without your makeup on, don’t claim au naturale and say you only make up for special occasions.
23. Flattery won’t take you anywhere. Stop being so condescending. Compliments I appreciate, but flattery, anyone can spot the fakeness in it.
24. Please, leave your phone alone. I don’t know what you are doing on whatsapp that can’t wait. Would you please pay full attention to me!?
25. Don’t borrow any of their stuff, then disappear into thin air. I’m still looking for the dude that did this to me, vanished with my powerbank.