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How Not To Get Laid

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How Not To Get Laid by : 9:29 am On June 26, 2018

My friend gave me this gist yesterday night. She had gone to see a guy and he made indomie for her, no egg or anything o, just super pack indomie, that one of ninety naira, with one satchet water ten naira, so altogether everything cost hundred naira. After eating, they started talking and he shifted the conversation to you know… She was so shocked and even felt insulted that he’d ask such of her, but he kept saying he’s you know… and it’d be cruel of her to leave him in that condition with no you know… When the pleading went on for some time and he realized he wasn’t going to get her down that way, he retorted to a higher form of emotional blackmail. His words as she put it were “after all I’ve done for you!?” and her reply was “I had no idea I had to give you my body because you prepared ninety naira indomie for me“. I really laughed and his name between us has been ‘hundred naira‘.

But this is not a rare occurrence, it happens every other day and everywhere. A guy is so nice and attentive to you and the next minute he’s sweating over you on his bed (or yours) and the next thing you know he’s no longer interested in pursuing the commitment he wouldn’t stop yapping about – you’ve fallen for the oldest trick in the book baby- you got laid- meaning you got used and dumped.

I talked to my sister recently about life in the University. She’s going to be on her own and I know the type of ostrich legs she has. My first advice to her was Don’t Get Laid! 

I see it everyday, I hear it, I’ve had to sit in a room of boys and listen to them talk about a girl I know, a girl I call my sister from another mother. They described her body, they talked about how she likes ‘it’ best, and they labeled her cheap. It took everything I had to stop myself from crying and I never hung out with those boys again.

Thankfully I had a best friend who made sure I didn’t fall into the mistake of getting laid. He gave me a couple of advice and I passed them on to my big smile (my sister) who’s going off to the University and is going to be on her own for the first time. I’ve decided to share the same advice on How Not To Get Laid. They sound simple but you’d be amazed the number of girls that are ignorant of otherwise what I call ‘common sense

  1. Dates should be out in the open, never at your place or his or that of a friend.
  2. It’s wise to take a friend along just for moral support, there’s strength in numbers.
  3. If he asks you to be his girlfriend the same day he knows your name, please block his number.
  4. If all he ever talks about is how s**y you are, save his number as ‘don’t pick’.
  5. If he invites you to sleep over jokingly, or for real or subtly keeps repeating it- he’s a destiny swallower, my love please flee like Joseph did.
  6. Avoid visiting guys at late hours in the evenings, stop deceiving yourself that nothing will happen.
  7. If he ever attempts to ‘touch’ you, never visit him after that day.
  8. If he exaggerates about you to his friends about how you are the love of his life or blah blah blah, he’s a certified skirt chaser and his friends are his fellow members in the skirt chasing club.
  9. A real guy who respects women doesn’t talk shit about his ex or any other girl, don’t think he’ll keep his mouth shut about you if he doesn’t keep his mouth shut about others.
  10. If he only texts or calls at night, he’s a Johnny Bravo, the unfunny kind.
  11. If he asks you to send a photo at night or does any of that “what are you wearing tonight” nonsense – tell him you are clothed with the blood of Jesus.
  12. If he gets angry at you for not wanting to ‘do’ it, just leave, he’s not worth it.

No matter how much he repeats “I love you”, always watch out for the above red flags. An erect you know… has no conscience they say.

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